This past weekend my college sorority celebrated our chapter’s 60th anniversary and I was able to catch up with several of my pledge class sisters. One of them mentioned that she had been trying for nearly four years to get pregnant even going through several failed attempts of IVF (which I know is not cheap and is really hard on the body). Instantly my heart hurt for her. I know how painful it is to want something so bad and it not coming to fruition. It made me think of my own struggles with infertility, our journey, and how we were eventually able to conceive naturally. I know everyone’s path is different but maybe someone will benefit from me sharing my story so here goes.
THE JOURNEY BEGINS… 
My husband and I decided to start trying to have a baby in Dec. of 2011. So, I quit taking the birth control I had been on since I was 15 years old, as well as the Adderall for ADD. Even for my new year’s resolution, I decided to give up drinking soda (I was an avid Diet Dr. Pepper drinker) who was committed to kicking the habit!
I had no idea the following year (2012) would be one of the most challenging years of my entire life. My husband and I lost both of our grandparents, we moved to a new town, and buried our first dog together (Lil Bit) right around Mother’s Day. About that same time my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, he moved in with us, and we were his primary caretakers while he went through chemo + radiation treatment.
I had no idea the following year (2012) would be one of the most challenging years of my entire life. My husband and I lost both of our grandparents, we moved to a new town, and buried our first dog together (Lil Bit) right around Mother’s Day. About that same time my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, he moved in with us, and we were his primary caretakers while he went through chemo + radiation treatment.
Then that October we got the BEST news!!!
We were finally PREGNANT and of course, we were over the moon. Plus, after the year we just had, it was the biggest blessing. It was like the greatest gift we could have ever hoped for. The sunshine after a very dark storm.
Unfortunately, my pregnancy was short-lived. The following week I started spotting so we called our doctor, she suggested that we come in. She checked the baby, we saw the ultrasound, heard a heartbeat, and everything appeared to be okay. Whew.
But later the next day, the bleeding continued, and I began to pass clots. Not knowing exactly what this was, I was literally scooping it out of the toilet to take to the doctor in case she needed to see it. We headed back to her office but this time when we saw her, there was no heartbeat. I was actually experiencing a miscarriage.
In hindsight, the timing was not right, and IN the moment, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through and accept.
It’s hard to explain the feeling you experience after suffering something so devastating. If you’ve ever gone through a miscarriage before, then you know exactly what I’m talking about and how I felt. I’m sure your feelings were similar.
I was so stoked one minute only to have my joy and excitement ripped away from me the next. It’s definitely a loss that imposes sadness, discouragement, guilt and requires lots of internal healing. It’s hard not to feel responsible as a mom even though it is more common than we realize or even like to talk about.
The strain this year put on my marriage was very difficult but as 2012 came to a close, we were hopeful for what the new year would bring. Maybe just maybe, we would be blessed with a baby.
If you are interested in reading more about my fertility journey, check out "How I Overcame Infertility: Part Two - The Struggle Continues."
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